December 2009
7 am.
Still haven’t slept.
Late night / early morning talk with Emah has straightened out a lot. She has such a big effect on me. I love her, and I’m glad I have her to talk to me when I need it. Even at 7 am.
Secondhand Serenade is so soothing. I’m going to try and sleep now.
5 am.
I can’t sleep.
And as I lay here listening to Taylor Swift,
I’ve been thinking.
And the only conclusion I’ve made has been…
You really messed me up.
Hi.
I have no real friends.
I haven’t left my house in 4 days.
I haven’t even gotten dressed in 4 days.
Nor do I have any desire to leave or get dressed.
I don’t remember the last time I felt happy.
I hate my life bye.
I want you to know.
Your stupid insults aren’t hurting me. I’m not going to sit here and post insults back at you over the internet. You’re not worth that time and effort. I have real friends, and people who actually treat me well and care about me. Nothing you say is going to affect me ever again, and it’s kind of pathetic that you need to keep saying shit about me via Facebook and Tumblr. If...
I love having heart-to-heart conversations with people. Even if sometimes it’s more of arguing while telling how you feel, it still makes me feel good. It makes me feel important, like the other person actually cares enough to sit there and talk to me. And it makes me feel like I’m getting to know them better, even if I’ve already known them for years. I wish more people would...
Enough.
I’m really sick of you. I’m sick of how you treat me, what you say to me, and your attitude towards everything. I can’t take it anymore. I’m done trying to please you. I don’t need this.
Eventful.
I had a very eventful day. They weren’t important events, but they made my day pretty entertaining. It’s been awhile since I had an entertaining day at school. Although, everything at Ormsby is getting to be so boring. Meredith has made nothing we learn interesting. I love basically everyone in my class though, and they’re the reason I bring myself to go everyday. I can’t...
Ambition.
I wish I wasn’t so lazy and careless and actually had ambition to do my homework. I want to do well in school but this year I just can’t bring myself to do anything. Pre-calc and animal science are just so hard that I get mad when I try to do my homework and give up. And reading Huck Finn for English is so unbelievably boring that I can’t handle it. I can’t even make it...
“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love...”
– Bob Marley (via famouslastwords) (via meggytkubala)
Realization.
Today I realized that I am perfectly fine. I realized I have good friends, even if sometimes I think I don’t. They’re always there and always try to make me feel better. I’m going to focus on that now. There’s no need for me to be upset, and I haven’t been for the past few days. I have people who make me smile, so I don’t need to worry about the people that...
Confused.
You make no sense to me. One minute you’re happy and don’t care and the next you’re upset and care again. I can’t figure you out. I miss you though, and I want so bad for things to be how they used to. I don’t want you to not be in my life anymore. I care about you so much, despite how upset you’ve made me. I want to hang out like we used to. And I want you to...
“Next time you point a finger, I’ll point you to the mirror.”
Creeps.
I hate it so much when random guys on myspace message me saying stupid things like, “hey bby how u doin?” You don’t know me. I am not your baby. And I was doing just fine until I got your message. Or better yet, when they say something trying to sound sexy. My favorite is, “you ever had a real man?” Do they really think I’m going to reply? Oh, and then when I...
Love/Hate
Is it possible to love someone but hate them at the same time? I love my dad but he’s just.. so annoying. Like, I can’t even handle being around him for extended periods of time. He’s always fucking drunk and acting like an idiot. And I’m really sick of all the lectures he gives me about how I’m not doing good enough in school and I might as well just work at a pizza...
Of course.
Everytime I think I’m better and I’m fine, it goes back downhill. Today was actually a pretty good day and I was really tired and fell asleep at 7:30. I was content falling asleep but woke up to a picture message and then it all hit me again. But even when it hits me, and I have that minor little breakdown, I can never actually cry. I kinda just lay there, shaking, with my eyes closed,...
Bestfriend.
I know how everyone feels about my bestfriend but I can honestly say she’s one of the few people who actually made me feel better these past few days. Actually, she’s the one who told me what I needed to do when I told her my problem. At first I thought it was a very bad idea, but now I see that she was completely right. She told me this would all work out for the better, and I guess...
Undecided.
I can’t really decide how I feel right now. One minute I feel fine, and the next I feel like I’m either going to throw up or burst into tears. I barely ate yesterday and today, and I usually eat a ton. My mom thinks something is wrong with me. I keep snapping at my brother too, when he’s not even doing anything. I kind of just don’t want to be around people, and I...
Ruined.
I spent all day today deciding whether or not to let out how I was feeling, and when I finally decided to do so, everything fell apart. I guess it’s better than just sitting here and pretending everything is fine, but I can’t seem to be okay with the fact that I just lost everything I’ve ever wanted since Spring. I was told it’s for the best, but it sure doesn’t make...
Hmph.
There’s so many things I’ve been forcing myself to keep inside lately. I’m usually able to let it out and talk to anyone that will listen, but I can’t now. I can’t bring myself to tell anyone how I’m feeling. I’m afraid of people judging me, or feeling sorry for me, or blaming it all on me. I’m afraid of even my best friends doing this, and I’m...